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Super-Shady And Creepy, Lee’s Nature Park Curdles The Blood

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This is the third article in the series about sketchy places at WB. The article is underlined to express the importance and alarming aspects od Lee’s Nature Park…and we can’t figure out how to change it back to normal.

As far as there being a truly dangerous place on Wrightsville Beach, Lee’s Nature Park, located near the Police Station building oddly enough, tops the fucking list of places where bodies can be chopped up and buried without anyone noticing. The name of the place is misleading to the extreme!  Nature park? We think not.

The “park” is located on a narrow strip of land that juts out into a smelly, sandy swamp. There are a few trees with plaques on them, a sundial, and a bench. It does not get any more natural than that. It is not lit at night, at all. It is nearly almost camoflaged by trees in the summer. In Lee’s Nature Park, no one can hear you scream.

For those of you with a strong constitution, or if you are traveling in a group of more than three, a visit to the park is like a visit to an outdoor haunted area. Danger can loom from any of the hidden spots that make up this nightmarish destination. You will notice that very few people have the balls to step into the area, even during the day. Most of the people who walk by it everyday have no idea what is in LNP. We have to wonder if the town of WB gets more money from the state if they designate a few of of these types of places as parks, because that would make sense in this instance.

While there have only been a few serious incidents over the years, we  predict that Lee’s Nature Park leads the list of places on WB most likely to appear in the national news concerning a tragedy. Watch out!

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The Paddleboarding Fad Will Be Gone By 2012! (So Will We All)

It’s hard to hate on a sport that encourages physical fitness and non-motorized touring. It’s even harder to hate on a sport that encourages bikinis and tight abs, glutes and thighs. But on further review, this fad is about as cool as your mom’s interest in basketweaving. And if you have read any of the other articles on this site, you should know that we will give it the old Hater’s Try.

Let’s start with the obvious: it is cost-prohibitive. These large boards run from 800 to 1200 dollars. The paddle will run an additional $100. You can rent them if the store is open, but if you really get hooked on the activity, you should own one.

The next thing is that you need to have a sense of balance and be in reasonably good shape in order to get a good workout, while being careful not to paddle far away with the current and have to struggle to get back to where you started. You also have to keep in mind that the boards are very heavy, so that if you think this is a good idea for a date with a frail partner, you are wrong. And then there is the fact that this, unlike surfing or bodyboarding, gets really boring really fast. Once or twice is enough fun for most people, and it’s tough to maintain a challenging feeling from the activity.

The part that is the most irritating about the promotion of the fad is that it is being touted as an eco-friendly way to see the marshes and ride the waves. First off, surfers hate you tooling around trying to catch their waves (fuck them). Secondly, there is no way that the introduction of all this new fiberglass and polymers into the environment is eco-friendly. If you investigate the poisonous process of making even a small surfboard you will realize that you are part of the problem. Plus the people who paddleboard would probably be in a canoe, not a motorized boat.

Is there an upside? Yes. It is a very selfish way to get or stay in shape and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just don’t throw it in everyone’s face as a “green” alternative to fishing and seeing the calm waters of the marsh. You want to be really eco-friendly? Go rescue some old wood planks that float from an old house, grab a long 2×4, and have at it. The Hawaiians that invented this had it right. Even Huck Finn and Jim did it better. It is called a wooden raft.

THEN AGAIN…

HEY. OKAY. WHAT? SOLD. $1300 IT IS.

NO. DON’T NEED A RECEIPT. THANKS.
SEE YOU OUT THERE? OH, YOU ONLY SURF?
DAMMIT!

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Best $10 You’ll Ever Spend: Fibbers On Friday,

By now everyone knows about Fibber McGees. Penny Draft Wednesdays has been a staple for a while, and the  Sunday night dance party continues to reel them in. By the way, we like to refer to Sunday night at Fibbers as “Industry Night.” The industry in question being the stripper industry– mixed with the girls who just want to wear white hot pants and heels! Now Sex Trivia Night has been thrown into the mix on Wednesday night to provide a titillating and hilarious kickoff to beer drinking. The lowest common denominator is working its magic, fo’ sure.

What you may not know is that Friday night has the best deal in town for $10. There’s half-price apps and $2 domestic drafts. Which means that 10 wings and 3 Buds later, we were swimming in a sea of contentment. Try to find a better deal. You’ll trip and fall in your stripper heels while trying.

http://www.fibberspublichouse.com/   (Hurry up with the website already!)

Fibber’s Public House

1610 Pavillion Place
Wilmington, NC 28403-3735
(910) 256-0102

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The Drawbridge Is Cursed! Stay Off Our Island!

Last Saturday, a young lady who was eating cake (!) ran into the WB drawbridge in the early eveny hours and left a gaping hole in the concrete barrier just a few feet from the bridgekeeper’s post. Earlier this summer, another young lady, while huffing computer dust cleaner, drove off an embankment just off the beach side of the bridge and crashed in to a tree. There is a really creepy park on the beach side of that drawbridge. There are people who live under said bridge. A conclusion can be is  that a confluence in the area has opened some sort of portal into the netherworld that may lead to a few more “accidents” in the coming months. It behooves all who live on WB to avoid the drawbridge whenever possible! Visitors should also be dissuaded from using the bridge…during peak hours.

-This has been a public service announcement from the morons who think they own the island because they PAY RENT here: The Locals.

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ABC Gets New Board Members – Tom Wolfe, Cedric Dickerson and David Matthews

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There’s nothing like a fresh start. If by fresh it means that you switch up your board by tossing out an attorney, a businessman, and a banker to replace them with a 70 year old real estate broker, a 55 year old insurance agent, and the 75 year old former president of a corn syrup-based conglomerate (Cadbury Schweppes). Two of these guys have probably been told by their doctors to never have another drop of the booze they now monopolize.

This new board will spend countless hours examining what went wrong with the previous system without examining the the obvious answer: This shit should not be run by the state because the police can never police themselves. Like other successfully run alcohol progams in other states, you should be able to buy booze at the Harris Cheater and at privately owned liquor stores until 10 or 11 pm. You still tax these places. You sell more. It’s win-win. But no! Alcohol is a danger to the public. If ABC doesn’t control it there will be chaos and riots and murder in the streets!

What we get now is the same type of organized crime syndicate that we had before, but this time with the smiling faces of MEN who are really happy to have the cushiest job in the state. Think about it. What will they really do from 9-5? Here’s our best guess:

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(That Dickerson guy is not happy with Wolfe and Matthews.)

Here’s a fresh idea: How about appointing a few young men and women (more than three) who are not old enough to understand life prior to the Korean War, who don’t have colostomy bags in their pockets, and who understand that their positions on the ABC board are as outdated as the people who occupy them. Get on that, Star News.

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Liquid Room Can Get Back To Squirting Booze

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So as it turns out–though not reported anywhere else–Liquid Room, in downtown Wilmington, did not actually serve any alcohol to the young lady who died from DUI on January 4th. Video evidence may prove this. So after all the hoopla reported (even by this magazine), the bar may get its permit to operate again. After months of lost revenue and bad publicity, the bar may be able to be the hotspot it once was. The rush to judgement is a troubling sign for other bars who may fall under the wrath of the beefed up ALE and ABC, the two branches of state government that are charged with fairly distributing judgement in the matter of alcohol beverage licenses.

In order to save face, ALE and ABC are still insinuating that Liquid Room contributed to the death of Marjorie Jean Whitney.

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Oh Come On, Lady…Ahh…Sir?…Miss Big Hands

http://www.starnewsonline.com/article/20100714/ARTICLES/100719840/1155?Title=Transgender-issue-leads-club-to-cancel-membership

http://www.starnewsonline.com/apps/pbcsi.dll/bilde?Site=WM&Date=20100714&Category=ARTICLES&ArtNo=100719840&Ref=AR&Profile=1155

This could be a very serious issue that could reverberate through the entire private club industry and could change the way they do business forever. Or it could be that switching to a woman and taking a bunch of hormones has driven this already nutty person further out of his/her fucking mind.

First off, if you are a member of a club you have signed a bunch of membership papers that govern behavior, and if you start running around the clubhouse in a clown outfit with a plastic axe, you will be asked to relinquish your membership. Legally, this is no different. The club has the right to discriminate. It would have been a far better legal issue if he/she had hooked up with a black or Mexican and tried to keep membership as a gay man. Now there would be a good one with which to argue discrimination. Equal protection under the law can be applied to public places.

And by the way, sir/madam, you had no problem when others different from you (at the time) were excluded from your grandfather’s still-racist-piece-of-shit private club. Those who disdain these types of clubs across the country can only chuckle and thank you for making this national news. The best part of that story is of course that this proud German-American man/woman is being represented by a lawyer named Silverman. Now that is a bit of progress to be proud of.

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